It’s easy to feel loved when you’re riding high, performing well, feeling on top of your game. It’s more difficult to access those feelings of worthiness and unconditional acceptance when things have gone awry and your humanity is poking out of the seams (not that I have any experience with this whatsoever).
Today I woke up feeling like the brain vultures were picking me apart. I hate how this comes out of nowhere. Last week the preschool was trying to get in touch with me and I missed their call(s). And the whole situation resolved, thanks to the rescue of a dear friend, but I felt embarrassed and low. And I’d let go of it, so I thought, until it was time to show my face at the preschool again this morning and my mind immediately started rehearsing all the reasons why I was unfit for duty.
I was reminded of the two party RSVPs that slipped through the cracks and the emails I’m behind on. I could feel the brain vultures circling, and then I spilled my coffee everywhere . . . because when the brain vultures are coming for you, you feel rattled, ya know?
As I was paper-toweling coffee from the counter to the trash can, I remembered all the things I’ve been writing about and speaking about . . . and I had to practice, yet again, what I’m preaching. Because, we really, truly don’t arrive. We just to return to the truth. I had to remember to treat myself with care and compassion. I had to remember to breathe. I had to remember to reach out and ask God to remind me that my lovability is not contingent on how well I execute the logistics of life. (Thank God).
So this morning I’m asking God to clear my mind and to remind me why I’m loved.
Because I’ve earned it? No.
Because I’m so dang competent? No.
Because of how good I am? No.
Because of my Instagram feed? No.
I am never more loved than in the moment of my failings, my faltering, my humanity. I’m never more loved than the moment when it all falls apart.
Here’s what’s crazy: So many of us secretly believe that we will punish ourselves into being better. But the truth is, LOVE is the only thing that will heal us. Learning to accept God’s love for us when we are at our lowest . . . that’s what clears the air.
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